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Friday, April 27, 2012

On Being a Thug ... & Lime Bars

lime squares

one of the things you should know about me is that i am capable of showing a great deal of bravado. i learned from a very young age that if you swagger hard enough, people will rarely test your bullshit. i am quick to put up defenses, and with proper planning, i can do damage with an offense. be warned, this isn't a fool-proof strategy. there was that time in 4th grade when manny the 5th grade bully decided to take me up on my offer to punch him in the face. at that age i figured throwing the first punch was key so i swung at his face, he ducked, punched me in the chest and now i have no boobs and dw won't let me get fake ones. moral of the story: when you say you're going to punch someone, kick them in the nuts instead; while they're doubled over in pain, throw your arms up in victory & act like the UFC champ you are. (disclaimer: you didn't get this advice from me, as it does not guarantee said victory.)

bottom line, i act tough but i'm quite the quivering softy inside. i have a not really secret fear of mice/rats/rodents. when i was in 4th grade (that was a pivotal year for me, btw), our science class had pet hamsters. while most kids were taking impatient turns holding the little creatures, i was shitting my pants at the thought of them in my hands. i would feign disinterest, blithely say something shocking & offensive like, "in my culture we eat such things..." (disclaimer #2: as far as i know, we do not eat hamsters.) living in baltimore, rats are usual sightings in the city. they're also usually big as kittens, vicious, and probably everything like that rat in Charlotte's Web plus with extra doses of deathly doom. rodents are the reason why i can't do Fear Factor, cus those producers would sniff out my fear. you want me to jump out of a plane with a semi-functioning parachute AND chug rancid milk? last one on the ground is a rotten egg! but make me cuddle with these beasts and i will soil myself on national television. there is no faking courage when in the face of these creatures of satan.

so you can imagine my abject horror in discovering that there's a 3rd party in our otherwise blissful abode. Mighty Mouse has taken up residence in the kitchen, my favorite room in the house. i was home alone when i looked up & on the stove was said mouse sniffing around. i screamed like a bitch little girl, texted dw to come home from work stat and when he couldn't, texted nuria. since then, i require dw to escort me to the kitchen, to defend my honor keep me company while i do kitchen duties. the last straw was recently when i needed to make lime bars for work. the blasted beast was UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE, chilling. i proceeded to squirm, whine, and acted like a borderline 6year old tantrum throwing brat until dw offered to make them for me. this dwelling is not big enough for the three of us and i am not thug enough (or apparently, grown up enough) to handle it properly.

these are exactly like the lemon bars, but organic limes were used instead. the results were very similar to key lime pie, a sweet tang, soft short bread and creamy curd.

in other news, i've entered into a cake bake off over at movita beaucoup. wish me luck.

lime squares 2


  1. Okay, this post was very revealing. Grade 4 was HUGE for you. (I remember nothing about grade 4.) I ate moths yesterday (accidentally), as they were in my crackers. And I felt bad. Real bad. But then I read this. And I'm thinking I'm glad I didn't find anything FURRY in my crackers.

    Lime bars. They sound awesome. Like, really awesome. Do rodents like lime? Cats are easily offended by citrus - so maybe rodents are too. I'm thinking you could use this to your advantage...

    Also, I'm getting very excited about Bake My Cake. VERY. And I wish I had the cake(s) you submitted to munch on.

    This comment reminds me of my grandmother. It has a rambling stream of consciousness thing going on...

  2. I flipped my shit the last time we had a mouse in our place. You'd think that said mouse would have sensed the big cat we have. When push came to shove though, the cat just sat and watched as the mouse raided the food dish. What I think it sensed was the traps we put down after that visit.

    So I guess what I'm saying is that when you want to bake, I have a mouse free kitchen that you can use. I may charge you a fee...say a lime bar or two : )

  3. Is this the part where I tell you that I had a pet mouse when I was in grade school? I grew up in a 1850s farmhouse where mice were just a standard part of living. :)

  4. movita, 4th grade was HUGE... then the years got successive huger. i read about your moth-eating ways on FB! and now i am going to inspect every item in the kitchen for FURRY things on it.

    wendi, this is why i am not sold on having a cat... not all cats will chase mice... and yes, should my fear get too much, i might have to call you to use your kitchen!

    SKM, i'll be honest, i shuddered. i cannot imagine playing with mice as a kid...

  5. All the best for the bake off! Hate mice too, I once saw one peeking at me from the top of a bookshelf. I ran before it could fall on me!